Only In My Head

..........and I can think of a thousand reasons why
I don't believe in you, I don't believe in you and I................

Given that Christmas just ended, it may seem like those lines could refer to not believing in Santa Claus. Not the case here. I can also say that those lines are NOT from the song that has been playing over and over on my radio, in the restaurants I visit, in the stores I shop, and basically just following me around enough for my own feelings of guilt to set in. Those lyrics above are from track 12 of the Angus & Julia Stone CD that still sits in my car. I can't remember the song's title. Bad, I know. I haven't played it in about two months. I threw it on in the car on the long drive home today and hit random. Funny it chooses that song when I think it says so much about thoughts I was just having last night.

However, the song that HAS been following me is one by Nelly: "Only Just a Dream". It does something to me. It did something to me the first time I heard it and it's become this song that just makes me stop whatever I'm doing and pay attention. I don't care if Nelly went from some unknown "rapper" with a Band-Aid on his cheek to a top-40 artist. A song is a song. And now I hate this guy for singing lyrics that conjure up so many memories or thoughts.

I'm all over the place right now. It's been like this on and off for a month. Sitting with your thoughts or trying to make a personal change for personal and spiritual growth is fucking hard. As hard as not having sex. The feelings of being all over the place are also going to happen here in this blog where I have a thousand things to say and won't make much sense to whomever will read this.

I was lying on the massage table today and waiting for my massage to begin. I was freezing and trying to relax. It was insane how many fleeting thoughts were coming in and out of my mind. Of course, sex being the first. Or sex I'm not having, sex that I can have and sex that could very possibly happen with someone it shouldn't. But I shouldn't even get into that right now. I'm not even going to get into that right now. (Insert long sigh here.)

Then I thought about the myriad of people I have seen recently and have talked with more in the past month than maybe I have all year. It's been a month of playing catch up and reconnection. It's nice when that happens. And this week especially is a busy one for "dates". Aside from catching up with myself and finally resting and sleeping and I hope, working out, (kid-free week), I have something going on every day with a different friend. That alone is a feat in itself.

Thirdly, was the thinking, perhaps slight over analysing, of something a close friend said, or should I say, didn't say. (And this is when those song lyrics up above come into my head again.) I'm starting to hate texting as a form of communication. Convenience is not worth it anymore when things get lost in a short texting "conversation". It's just not as real and authentic to write something of sentiment on a cell phone. So, my mistake for doing so and expecting a good response back and then not getting one. But, me being me, I had to say something more about it because this lack of sentiment from my friend just really got to me. But I guess there will be things I never understand. Maybe I have higher expectations or maybe I am saddened by the fact that this person finds it more difficult than me to communicate or show more emotion when I assume it's easy, even necessary. Or should I say, when it's necessary to me...? I guess that would be me projecting what I think should be said and I can't expect that. I mean, if I say I miss someone, and that person replies the next day that they didn't know how to respond....well, I guess that really is communicating something. Wakey wakey, Lisa! But onward I go. I can't harp on that. I can't fool myself either. When I don't know what he's thinking or what he means I just have to not go there anymore. Much more freeing.

The thoughts were so many lying on this massage table, that I was actually talking to myself in my head. Every once in a while, the lovely woman working on my torn up muscles and fucked up vertebrae would ask me something, or initiate a small conversation or see how my torn up muscles and fucked up vertebrae were feeling. She laughed and said I was somewhere else today. I laughed too, knowing that somewhere else was all over the map that lies in my head. (And really, I must usually talk so much to so many people that when I am silent everyone notices or assumes something is very wrong with me. Shut up, Lisa!, will be my new reminder or resolution for 2011...haha...)

One of things I have started to be conscious of much more in my life is how I deserve to be treated, or what I'm seeking in relationships, with not only friends, but the next mate I decide is good enough to be in my world. It is crazy how much I've been tested lately. I just won't indulge something, or someone I know isn't good for me right now. I've been tempted, no doubt. But it's just not worth it unless I'm ready without regret. But I see things more clearly when I actually am with someone from the opposite sex. I thankfully have more male friends than ever before. Some of which are closer and know pretty much everything going on in my life, and others who I love being around for the small amounts of time, usually shared, that I'm with them. But I learn from them or watch them more than they know. It's like I'm studying parts of people to create the best person that I eventually want in my personal life again. And in addition, the next guy better want to hold my hand. A lot. That may sound like a small, almost insignificant thing, but to me, it's not and it's going to become the deal breaker next time.

Another thing going on right now, much like the Nelly song following me, are my dreams. I know I dream vividly, I know my dreams can exhaust me, but lately the nightmares are back and I am trying to figure out why. I had one so haunting and scary, involving me and my children in my house, that it won't leave my memory. I don't like feeling afraid or reliving something, even a dream, that makes me worry about death like that. I am trying to figure it what it all means aside from the fact that I still have yet to draw up my will.

Anyway, I have no stunning conclusion to all of the thoughts, random thoughts like the random button on my CD changer. I wish this blog was what it was in my mind driving today. Clear and creative and all that. It may be the last one of 2010 and if it is, well, this was all it was meant to be.

Unfortunate Anger

Think I'm losing my mind
Don't know why you have to be right
There was once a you I loved
Now I know someone I don't like

Telling me you didn't like the person I was
That's why we're at this point now
Don't think I didn't know what was up
(Baby, that's what ruined us)

And I have to sit with this put up with this
Pretend it's all okay as is
You throw words out that hit
Hurt harder than they originally did

Causing pain and blame whenever you try

I don't see how you can live this life
Your unfortunate anger burning bright
When you're done exploding then you're fine

Then everything's okay
Mumble your apologies again and again
What just happened yesterday
When the beast came out to play?

My Miscellaneous

What I've learned in the past twelve hours:

I didn't go to bed early enough last night.

I can clean up my child's puke and poo several times in a row without flinching.

I can wash sheets several times in a row without complaining.

I'm sad or hungover for a second day but essentially calmer. Did I mention exhausted?

That even when I thought for a split second that a hot 24-year-old asking for my number was a good idea, it's not-for many reasons. (And I'm sorry, but if every other word out of one's mouth is shit, fuck, or "that's sick"...not interested.)

That white old school high-top Reebok's with yellow laces go with my wardrobe.

The real male friends I have in my life have my back and probably understand me more than I know. And they text back right away. And I just hope they know I appreciate them.

Men don't care about hair colour like I do.

For the first time in a long time, I regretted sharing my writing.

That Gravol, ginger ale, Premium Plus crackers and the remote control can save my life for today.

That bad stuff happens to good people and everyone makes mistakes. So you listen to an ex-boyfriend on the phone for an hour because he needs someone to really listen.

That I talk with more humour than what comes out on a page.

That "that's what she said" will never leave my vocabulary and still cracks me up.

I'm very excited for this Friday night out with friends.

That at this stage of the game, I'm a parent first and that's okay, in fact it's great.