Defeated

It doesn't matter the size of the problem or the scope of the problem. When trouble or stress take aim, and it happens to you, it's ultimately your problem and yours alone. Maybe the problem affects others, but there is always that centre, that core, the root of that problem that is yours. Others can sit and watch, hold their breath, pray for you, cheer you on, or even silently think, "I'm glad that's not me." It doesn't matter. In the end it's you and the item of plague at hand.

I have listened to a lot of problems. Problems from best friends, other friends, family close and not so close. I have listened to doctors tell me their woes when maybe they didn't realize they were. I draw complete strangers in without dread. Sometimes a stranger doesn't remain a stranger. You can get a glimpse into any one's world, really. Maybe my heart is open to that.

Lately, a few things have changed without warning. They are not directly my problems or personal struggles but still totally effect me. My sister and her boyfriend fall out for what appears to be for good. I don't entirely understand what got them to this point. There are still missing pieces of the puzzle that I am not privy too. But I understand that. It's what happens as you get older and matters become private between a couple in love. But I didn't truly see the break up coming, just as maybe my sister and her boyfriend didn't. I am sad for them.

My father is sick. I don't say sicker, just still not good. I can cry at the drop of a hat, whether in my own thoughts or whether someone kindly asks how he is doing. There are phrases that make it worse. Hearing that he has to eat now, say the doctors, because soon he won't be able to. He won't have choices soon. He will do the the intense treatment. Treatment that will make him sick so he will hopefully get better. I cried in minutes after seeing him the last time. Felt like a foolish daughter that should have been stronger for her dad. Instead he comforted me and told me he'd be fine.

The search for my own sense of love has changed because of circumstances like this. Finality or a glimpse of a possible end have me questioning everything. When I don't question, and forget to be mindful like a good Buddha would urge, I bury it all up, and plunge head first into a state of denial and at times, even ridiculous behaviour just to escape.

When I am alone and without my children, love is on and off in my world. I know I am blessed with a myriad of friends and family that adore me. It sadly isn't always enough. Lately I am confused by actions of others' that don't equal the things they say to me.

The past three years have included all sorts of different scenarios and situations and yes, problems. I feel guilty for calling some things problems, when others have problems far worse than mine. A good friend tells me that though this may be true, my problem would be unique to me and incomparable. I may be an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, regret letting so many people in so quickly, but yet I still haven't changed. I talk things out or still include others in the glimpse into my world too.

And I will remember that problems will pass, get sorted and heal, for all of us.

Open

There was stillness on the beach

Some moments just me and my iPod

I said my prayers to the widest sky I have seen in months

the large clear ocean

the high, high hilltops.



There was stillness in my heart

I didn't know where to be with my thoughts

At the prettiest point with the ever uncertain future I try to be positive

with my feet in the sand

sun on my face.

There was stillness between us

in the middle of the rush, the intensity

When I knew I didn't have to be anyone but me

eyes locked together

heart beating fast.

Breathe

It really is a difficult time, he writes me. I am glad he is honest. His ex-wife's family went through the same ordeal while they were in South Africa. I told him I didn't know what to do. I just stared back at the screen and read the words I had sent him. He told me to support my mom and allow myself to be sad.

I am sad this morning because the sun came up and nothing got better. It wasn't a dream, a weird dream like the ones I have almost every night. The news is real and it's scary. So now I cry. I am crying for the unknown and for my father and the cancer diagnosis that is his alone.

I know he knows we are here, but it's still hard to swallow that his life is now somewhat fragile. It's hard to know how to not be fragile myself.I saw him yesterday. Right before we all found out. It was the only time before knowing the news that it was possible that he really could be that sick. He just didn't look like himself.

I will see him tomorrow.

I don't know what to do today, other than try to get more sleep and do the things I would normally do on a Tuesday. I wonder what he's doing right now and what thoughts lie within.

I want to take my dad out for a drink, wish I had done that months ago before all this. His schedule is doctors and hospitals now. There's no going back after news like this. You push through and get through, together. We will get him better.