I'm seeing him a lot more.
A simple statement, a thought, (one of many), that can race through my head among other thoughts when all is silent and I am actually resting both body and mind. It may not seem that my mind is still, but it is, this I know, because I can take the time to think things out, stay with the feelings and just be.
I realize this alone in his bed. I've never been left alone in his apartment. It's nice but strange being here by myself. The noises from the street are unlike the noises of my neighborhood. I can hear the guys in the plumbing shop downstairs. Their phone rings. There is some type of drilling noise. But I lie still, trying to fall asleep. It's why I am here. Too tired to leave when he left for work. He just simply went to the spot where the spare key is kept and left it beside the bed. And kissed me. Then headed downstairs saying "bye, pussycat".
Although I am tired and love his bed, I can't sleep. My cell phone beeps to tell me the battery is low. I don't care. Too many people have called or texted today. They can wait. Secretly I like that while the world works today, while the cars race by outside, while friends try to figure out where I am or what I am doing, I am alone in his bed. It's 1:30 pm.
The night before was a bit of a haze. Too much to drink at a random party where my friend works. I would check my watch often. I would be seeing him later that night. The boys at this party were random too. Trying to impress me but I'm tired and weary of men I meet. I used to be the one entertaining the pursuit, aware of the attention and being a player in the game. The game has changed so much in the last decade that I know. Now I observe in other ways, hanging back to see what people are really about and if their words match their actions or what little personality they wish to show me. Males of a certain age play differently. The forty-somethings hang back but stare and approach with the same lines and seem to love to talk about new or old money. The guys in their late twenties and early thirties have too much to prove and sometimes the smell of testosterone is too much to bear. They talk career and where they think they are in their world. So I smile when I look at my watch and head out earlier than most. Lots of questions and the quest for the phone number. I insist on leaving.
"How is it one-in-the-morning?" is uttered in disbelief by either of us is our night starts late or if the night just seemingly flies by. Sometimes it's later. This sleep deprivation is different from the kind I am used to. And sometimes there are the early starts, afternoon starts, where the day and night blend. I like early starts (for many reasons).
His tools that were at my house for the list of fix-it jobs aren't here anymore because the fix-it jobs, are..., well..., fixed. The meetings or hook-ups are now regular hang out times. We meet up, we pick each other up, we share cabs, we share keys. We cook, we go to restaurants (a lot of eating.) Certain occasions have been marked. Days ago, he carried my new used desk on his back and walked across busy Queen Street down the alley and to my house. For many more reasons and now many more times, I am simply impressed and smile a lot.
So, his presence in my life has slightly changed; I realize this too but am unsure of it all. Maybe it's not unsureness as it is hesitation. We are the unlikely pair in ways more than the obvious age difference. He is the unlikely candidate that endured the race. Or is that me?
And still, the exclusion of title makes it easy, but on whom I do not know. I have let go of explaining it/us, though more questions pop up if his name is heard more often by friends. I can laugh at myself and I can laugh at the remarks. Everyone has an opinion, I have learned this from every relationship. And with most relationships, I have worn my heart on my sleeve.
But for now I will take comfort in the 'now'. My usual state of analyzing can take a vacation and I will enjoy his bed until my other life resumes.
