I miss my father on many levels. I miss him on occasions, like my daughter's upcoming birthday, but mostly I miss him for the daily bits- the times when I'd get his advice even if I didn't ask for it, hear his reaction to things, and hear him sum up his opinions like only my father could do; like the only male in the family could do. Above all, I miss my old family dynamic. It's true what I read, when a key person in the family dies, it changes the whole configuration of your family.
There are simply just the three of us now. I have never had a big family and the extended family we do have.....well, half my dad's side are faraway, and older with no children and the other half chose to cut us out the day my father died. Pettiness, grave unfortunate pettiness, that turned grief to spite and we were to blame for everything. My mom's family side, though quite extensive, was never really a big part of our lives, minus the weddings and reunions. I don't have cousins I reach out to, or aunts and uncles I feel close to. It's kind of sad. And now, without my father, there is simply just the three of us: my mom, my sister and I. And I miss our dynamic of being a foursome. I miss my other parent.
When you're the youngest, it is also a different dynamic in the family. I love reading about roles in a family and how birth order dictates so much, though we are all unconscious of it. The older sibling develops and is treated one way, as is the middle child and the youngest.
It's been hard during the times that I don't feel my opinion in our new family dynamic counts, or if I'm not heard. I feel bad for my mom if and when she feels she has to take sides, which of course, she does not. Or if she does, maybe it's that she takes both sides, even if both daughters are unaware. I get it, it keeps the peace.
I feel that I try to make the wrongs right, and quickly when the wrongs happen. Recently, I realized I always am the one to make it right first. I wave the white flag, say the apology and reach out first, even when I'm not sure an apology is needed. It's what I do. I don't particularly enjoy the strife of a family disagreement. I don't condone silent treatments.
But this time I won't be the white flag waver. This time I have nothing to say and to me, it's too late for anyone else to say anything now. I'm tired of the moment passing with others, if they choose to not address the issue at hand, comments made that they didn't like or agree with, then why should I worry how they react or handle things much after the fact? It is something I need to work on and I'm a slow learner, clearly. Years of not resolving things quicker and pandering to others to make them feel better and to make their fight go away. No thanks. Aren't we adults? Is it always up to the youngest? Is it a Pisces thing???!!!
Ah Dad, what would you say?
