I have been writhing in pain, in bed, for pretty much the whole of my Sunday. The pain didn't start out this intense but it's now in a debilitating state so what is there else to do but let it happen, hope it ends soon and not think about all the other things I could be doing. When more serious thoughts popped into my mind, I just decided to get off the internet of my small BlackBerry, and get up (gasp) and blog on my laptop..ginger tea beside me.
It has been interesting to see that yet again, there is only one person that checks in on Sundays. I have been ignored today, for sure, by some people, and other friends, well, let's just say you know when they're with their man, waiting for their man, or can't talk on a weekend because of their man. And lately, plans get cancelled all the time, or worse, plans don't even get made, this is aside from phone silent Sundays. I've resigned myself to stop being that great girlfriend trying to make the fun plans and get some of my friends out. If they can't see that they rarely make the effort, I have no wish to make it for them. Time will tell how serious these friendships remain.
So back to my Sunday... The Ex picked up the children this morning. I was welcoming 9am like I do most Sunday mornings, when the Saturday just before was not a stellar one. I also welcomed the fact and patted myself on the back that we all got pretty good sleeps and that the kids went to bed at exactly 8pm, even on a Saturday night. We were all tired. And though their weariness was from a lot of exercise, mine was more induced from the day of tough parenting and going against my better wishes and drinking a little too much from the wine bottle. I think boredom, exhaustion and lonliness will provoke that.
And maybe the wine has something to do with the immense pain in my chest. Weird spot, has been happening a lot lately actually. When you try and self-diagnose on the internet you have to take it all with a grain, or tablespoon, of salt. My stomach issues are not new nor uncommon. Sometimes it's a mind over matter, find some inner peace solution, and other times it's digestive, digestive, um, digestive, and oh yeah, stress and anxiety. So the usual lower abdomen strife has decided to switch it up and wreak havoc in the middle part of my upper chest, right under my breasts. This might be under the sternum, alas, I forget the actual name of this part of my body radiating so much pain. What does the internet say? Aaah, so much. And too much to post here. But let's just clarify that I don't start looking for and reading over other "viewers" questions and comments, those ready to spill everything about every little symptom or annoyance since, oh, age 5, who then beg viewers for answers as to what their pain is.
Oh-hold on while I try to breathe......
Dear God, that one lasted a while. Jokes aside, I even looked up heart attack symptoms. Check that off the list. I won't need an ambulance.
So here are my other observations in bed, or rather, when I was just in bed.
Children. Those of us that are parents, those of us that are not. And we will never understand the other points of view, or at least, not entirely. I watched my neighbour yell at all the kids in front of our houses yesterday after he was so good listening to me and my woes about parenting. There was a street party on, or so it appeared, though it was really a 12 year old's birthday party that had taken to playing games in the sun soaked street in our 'hood. My neighbour yelled at everyone to stop playing ball, go to the school, and oh ya, Can't you see the sign that actually says No Ball Playing Permitted? He was livid, angry and um, really mean. Worried about the tulips he just planted. He must have repeated himself three times. Did I mention he is not a parent?
Where are the lines? Are people allowed to be that mean to kids? What about all the discipline comments I read or hear about lately?
I am a parent, and of course I notice things that bother me too; parents that have no discipline techniques at all with their children. But I have the parent side in me, that a non-parent doesn't, or is it just empathy when you can see a parent struggling and tell yourself to stop judging or making hasty opinions? Even if they're not struggling, I have had to remind myself, even with friends, that our parenting styles are sometimes very different.
I know that when I am struggling, or it is a challenging parenting day, it is hard to see if or when my family is trying to help or if they are saying they ARE helping, when it is rolled in with so many other factors to the situation at hand. It's also hard for me to see that they even try to understand me. I don't feel my mom understands a lot these days, and well, my sister and I arent' talking now because I cancelled our latter-day plans that involved me and my kids yesterday. And yes, I feel judged, far too often. Her take is I'm judging myelf, it isn't her judging me. I think she's exactly right but it still means we aren't talking and I can still be upset from other's exasperation and/or eye rolls. It puts me more on edge, and I admit I can't help that feeling. I have been begging my Ex to get involved, he's the one that really needs to, and have been asking him for months. He's only been on board with any tough parenting for just over a month. I'm so tired, so very tired of doing it all myself that I even I fall off the standing my ground stance with the kids lately. I know it's my job, I know parenting is work, but it's hard when it feels like you vs. your kids. Again, you don't know how hard it is if you're not a parent. Yes, that's what I think. So now I will go back to retreat mode, react to being ignored, simply because I don't want arguments or the explanations from me or them. And happily, I have booked me and the Ex into a 2-night parenting workshop. That really beats arguments and explanations.
