The icing on the cake

It's official I'm losing, or have lost, most of my mind. Maybe that is harsh, so what have I lost?
My birthday came and went this year. With my yearly anticipation to the date, and the over-excitement of what will come, what started with such promise ended in frustration and the knowing the person that had wanted to make it so damn great for me didn't fulfill his wishes or mine. The night ended in a shitty argument, a heated fight of many sorts, and this was actually after great dancing, simple but yummy food and much needed laughs with friends. Ah, where did it all go wrong...?
A very close friend of mine that birthday night was shocked to hear that I wasn't in love with my boyfriend. I was shocked SHE was so shocked. I stopped being that girl that fell so hard so quickly, um, about a million heartbreaks ago, or maybe just after my marriage unravelled. Maybe I hide that well. I think if you've never had your heart ripped out of your chest, you would surely still fall in love at the drop of a hat. Doesn't or hasn't happened yet. I don't think I really allow it to. Sure there was and is a boy here or there that captured my heart and attention during the last four years (not always easy for a boy to do), but love? I don't think so. (They don't call it 'falling' for someone or 'falling' in love, for nothin', either, boys and girls.) Her astonishment felt like judgment though I know it wasn't. I think she just felt to not be in love with the one you're with was a complete waste of time. I see it as protecting my own heart and giving time to see where things go. Love in 60 days? Not my style. I think I've grown up since those days. Cynical? Hard? Jaded? Sure. But I also think it can be better to not trip over the cupid arrows and just like what you have a hell of a lot. The fall-in-love-so-quickly peeps may scoff. It's okay. We all do what we gotta do.
It's been hard to determine what is anything these days. The guilt of even having a rough time when I feel I shouldn't eats me up. And no, this is not even close to being all boyfriend related, friends. When I feel everyone is doing more, has it tougher, has way more to juggle (that's a big steep hill on my personal guilt trip--bus stops every 5 minutes, folks) it is very hard to even reach out for help. I've dropped the hints, or the actual bang-on one liners. They get answered in text form, phone messaging, all the great stuff of our technology age. Do I wish I was happier or even just a bit content? Fuck yes. When I have "fun" it's fleeting. I can usually count on both hands the amount of times I laugh each week. Would letting go and falling in love help this? He would probably say yes, almost urges me to do so. But I don't think a great man can even do it all to ease the constant pain I feel daily.
Damn, maybe I'll just email this to my therapist and save $100 visit.......