March

In the midst of the haze you were there

but fleetingly

I don't know what happened to you after I left you

after you had left me

And now here we are

no phones

scattered notes

small hope

I am trying so hard to pull it together while deleting so much of the past

and the pain

and the friends that aren't friends

I guess you are busy living your dreams

I guess I'm waiting for mine to begin

I heard the song, the one where she sings, 'don't forget me, I beg'

I used to be that girl that needed you to remember

to notice

did anything for you

wanted so little from you

and now I only realize

it got me nowhere with you.

Well

What am I supposed to say When I'm all choked up and you're okay?

Waiting

I'm waiting for news of all sorts and none of it good. I am living inside my head, my thoughts and my weak body that it trying to hold on. They say when life is ending another begins but there isn't always that kind of ironic happy ending.

I knew something was wrong after my birthday when I drove to the hospital. I looked at him and knew. Saw the doctor days later and knew further still. I didn't need to hear the man in the white coat say 'weeks' or 'make what little time is left comfortable'. Although things aren't grey at the moment, I wait on pins and needles for the storm to return.

And in my stomach it is stormy too. I just don't feel right in any way and on top of it all is the heaviness of being alone. Or at least feeling that way. So many signs of late and so many warnings. When your back is turned and your guard is down....

Tonight I did get fresh air and later, hopefully, sleep (just as the text I read last night ordered me to do). I leaned against the ledge of my balcony and just tried to breathe. And I looked high above at the simple yet important cross on the church and just said prayer after prayer for all of us.