The trip is booked.
And already there has been excitement
friendship rekindled
There have been good-byes
a pleasant confrontation
bad news, anxiety and anticipation
reunions
lies
arguments about the past, about money
over-the-top gifts
questions, plans and explanations
unexplainable dreams
sister support
The trip is booked. The first one since my newer life.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
John Lee Hooker
I waited all night long
in the pouring rain
searching for my baby
I was drinking black coffee in a paper cup
and smoking foreign cigarettes
And when the sun in the sky
came up early in the morning
I said, Lord, Lord, Lord
Lord, Lord, Lord
Lord, bring my baby back
Bring my baby back
I cover the waterfront.
in the pouring rain
searching for my baby
I was drinking black coffee in a paper cup
and smoking foreign cigarettes
And when the sun in the sky
came up early in the morning
I said, Lord, Lord, Lord
Lord, Lord, Lord
Lord, bring my baby back
Bring my baby back
I cover the waterfront.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Breaks
It is time for a break. A break that may be harder to endure than anticipated. No, I won't entirely quit, I know I can't quit, don't need to quit. I stated this to a friend last night on the phone. At least she agreed. Baby steps. I mean, really, this is me here. I am not a quitter.
But I see how a break may be necessary, at whatever the hell time of my life I am in (though sometimes, I really am having the time of my life...I do see that amidst the chaos.)
It's become a habit of sorts, something that occurs most every day. Why stop now?, one would ask, when you're still having so much fun and in control? Well, isn't that how habits start? Good habits gone bad, that will wind up getting their own television show? From so much fun partaking to suddenly questioning your entire existence because of the euphoria the habit brings?! Okay, I am being dramatic. But it's like I feel I have been needing it too often, sometimes every day; have been getting it every day, even in small doses at predictable times. Is it making me truly happier? Is it making me a better person? Am I calmer, more relaxed from it? Hard to tell. I'm pretty good on my own as well, I think. Or at least I hope I am.
So maybe it's a crutch, or a crush. I am in love perhaps. I don't usually say no anymore. Maybe it's all just spring fever.
Just yesterday, mid day, in a public place, I said yes- gave in- for two hours. I mean, really! Two hours! And I was with my friend! Okay, granted, she had the intelligence to say no. But I didn't think twice. Was asked once, said yes, felt good when it all went down, so to speak. I smiled a lot afterwards. I still went home when my friend had to leave. The session, unplanned, seemed much shorter in duration actually. Hmmm.......it was a great two hours.
Well, tonight there is change. There will be none of it going on in this house tonight, or anywhere else for me tonight for that matter.
So......
I will miss you, dear, loyal wine, feisty vodka, sophisticated champagne, laid back beer...miss you all indeed. But you have to understand I can't see you all the time. It's just not always healthy for me, not a good match some days. But don't worry, this green tea I am sipping won't ever replace you. The lemon flavoured water and juice can't give me what you can. I will be back, just not as often. A break. Some days off here and there. It will be okay. I can do this!
But I see how a break may be necessary, at whatever the hell time of my life I am in (though sometimes, I really am having the time of my life...I do see that amidst the chaos.)
It's become a habit of sorts, something that occurs most every day. Why stop now?, one would ask, when you're still having so much fun and in control? Well, isn't that how habits start? Good habits gone bad, that will wind up getting their own television show? From so much fun partaking to suddenly questioning your entire existence because of the euphoria the habit brings?! Okay, I am being dramatic. But it's like I feel I have been needing it too often, sometimes every day; have been getting it every day, even in small doses at predictable times. Is it making me truly happier? Is it making me a better person? Am I calmer, more relaxed from it? Hard to tell. I'm pretty good on my own as well, I think. Or at least I hope I am.
So maybe it's a crutch, or a crush. I am in love perhaps. I don't usually say no anymore. Maybe it's all just spring fever.
Just yesterday, mid day, in a public place, I said yes- gave in- for two hours. I mean, really! Two hours! And I was with my friend! Okay, granted, she had the intelligence to say no. But I didn't think twice. Was asked once, said yes, felt good when it all went down, so to speak. I smiled a lot afterwards. I still went home when my friend had to leave. The session, unplanned, seemed much shorter in duration actually. Hmmm.......it was a great two hours.
Well, tonight there is change. There will be none of it going on in this house tonight, or anywhere else for me tonight for that matter.
So......
I will miss you, dear, loyal wine, feisty vodka, sophisticated champagne, laid back beer...miss you all indeed. But you have to understand I can't see you all the time. It's just not always healthy for me, not a good match some days. But don't worry, this green tea I am sipping won't ever replace you. The lemon flavoured water and juice can't give me what you can. I will be back, just not as often. A break. Some days off here and there. It will be okay. I can do this!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Next time
Next time I will be look before I leap
I will question before I trust
I will find the truth in my own knowledge and not the promises.
Next time there will be more hesitation
I will wait and so will he.
Next time I won't look past the obvious
I will listen without explaining, rationalizing or pretending.
Next time I will begin by healing my heart.
But when the next time comes
I will still laugh
I will still shine
I will still care
I will still be me
And next time, it will be better.
I will question before I trust
I will find the truth in my own knowledge and not the promises.
Next time there will be more hesitation
I will wait and so will he.
Next time I won't look past the obvious
I will listen without explaining, rationalizing or pretending.
Next time I will begin by healing my heart.
But when the next time comes
I will still laugh
I will still shine
I will still care
I will still be me
And next time, it will be better.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Family
I texted her in the middle of the afternoon.
I was sobbing.
I was shaking.
She didn't know that. Yet.
It was one simple line, few words.
"need to talk to you. now."
She replied in record speed.
"home?"
"yes"
She called within seconds and I couldn't get any words out. She let me cry, let me gasp and watited. She didn't rush with questions but she knew. Knew without asking that it was bad, that I had reached that rare moment when life makes absolutely no sense.
We are like that, we don't really have to explain. When I did explain, she made 'it' better, made me better, all by listening, all by her words and the comfort that I felt through the phone even with our miles and miles apart.
After our conversation, (easily twenty minutes while she was at work) I managed to get through my day. It's how we are. With the daily e-mails, texts and calls there is the grateful laughter beyond words. But sadly too, there are moments like this. Tough, gut wrenching moments that in them, come the helplessness and lack of hope that no one wants to share, not even me. But I do share because I have to. Because I only manage through the talks, through the communication and luckily, thankfully, she is there. Always. Lately, I haven't shared with or reached out to as many people. I am tired of myself, tired of the forks in the road and having no real explanation of things. When I feel that everyone is busier, everyone is more important in the 'real world', it leads to feeling like few people understand.
In moments like this there is my family. She is not related by blood though we already know we are the 'other' sister to one another.
I am glad she will see this thank you.
I was sobbing.
I was shaking.
She didn't know that. Yet.
It was one simple line, few words.
"need to talk to you. now."
She replied in record speed.
"home?"
"yes"
She called within seconds and I couldn't get any words out. She let me cry, let me gasp and watited. She didn't rush with questions but she knew. Knew without asking that it was bad, that I had reached that rare moment when life makes absolutely no sense.
We are like that, we don't really have to explain. When I did explain, she made 'it' better, made me better, all by listening, all by her words and the comfort that I felt through the phone even with our miles and miles apart.
After our conversation, (easily twenty minutes while she was at work) I managed to get through my day. It's how we are. With the daily e-mails, texts and calls there is the grateful laughter beyond words. But sadly too, there are moments like this. Tough, gut wrenching moments that in them, come the helplessness and lack of hope that no one wants to share, not even me. But I do share because I have to. Because I only manage through the talks, through the communication and luckily, thankfully, she is there. Always. Lately, I haven't shared with or reached out to as many people. I am tired of myself, tired of the forks in the road and having no real explanation of things. When I feel that everyone is busier, everyone is more important in the 'real world', it leads to feeling like few people understand.
In moments like this there is my family. She is not related by blood though we already know we are the 'other' sister to one another.
I am glad she will see this thank you.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Gone
I do my best thinking in the shower. When I'm not in the shower, I do my best thinking driving in my car. I love my car so I really love driving when driving is necessary. But today I wasn't thinking when I decided to just drive to The Ex-Husband's new house, unannounced.
The Ex failed to return my son's winter coat yesterday, on "his" morning with our children. I mean, it's winter. He knew he still had it. He knew he said he'd return it and he didn't. And when my son refused to wear his sister's other coat, (can't blame him for that) and refused to wear his dinosaur raincoat, (also, can't blame him there) well, I just plopped him in his car seat, and away I drove to retrieve the needed jacket.
Something in my intuition (and I do have crazy intuition when it does strike), told me my Ex would not be alone in his house. He only has the kids two nights a week, which leaves plenty of room for him to have "company", namely, I assume, The Girlfriend. So the thoughts that did run through my mind on the six-minute drive included waking them from a slumber, catching them eating breakfast, or maybe even seeing them walking down the front porch steps. Although, really. Would The Ex even be up? It was only 8:51 a.m. And realizing the early hour, I thought, well, if I must, I will have to call his house or cell phone first. Oh wait, scratch that. I had left my cell phone charging in the kitchen. You see, it really was an unplanned visit.
I parked on the street behind a school bus but practically right in front of The Exes house. I left my son in the car and literally raced up the front steps. The TV was on. I saw it clearly through the front window of the house. My heart raced a little. I rang the doorbell and then immediately peered in the front window. I saw a girl, though, whom she was, I was not entirely sure. She was sitting a little too close to a guy on the couch for it to be The Girlfriend. They stared blankly but also in surprise. The Ex literally jumped off the opposite couch, the one not facing the window.
It was that person that jumped up so startled, that changed things for me in mere moments.
The Ex was still in his robe (the same robe my mom had bought for him many Christmases ago). He looked drunk or badly hungover. He looked disheveled. He looked guilty and sheepish. Before opening the glass panelled front door (one can see in the house and front hall completely), he grabbed my son's jacket from the hook. He knew why I was there.
"I'm really sorry, Lisa," he stammered out, looking sad and as though he thought he had disappointed me.
I mumbled, "It's okay, bye."
I could hardly look at him but for reasons not like the ones I have had in the past. I was not angry, I was not irritated or annoyed. I was not jealous of him, his friends, The Girlfriend, (whether she was there or not), or his lifestyle or life in that house. For the first time I felt a mixture of sadness and pity for him. I didn't recognize this man. He wasn't the man I fell in love with years and years ago. This was someone I didn't really know anymore, didn't want to know anymore, and a man that was not part of my real life.
I walked immediately down the stairs without looking back.
I didn't know I had been waiting so long for my heart to release me from the grip of my pain. I didn't know a casual good-bye on his front porch, a good-bye so unlike the ending of Us almost exactly three years ago, could finally make things right for me. Not right for Us, but just for me.
So approaching my car, just steps away from my son in his car seat, I had my ah-ha moment, my light bulb flash, the turning shift in my soul. For the first time, I truly let him go. I didn't curse his existence or think ill of him and all the the hurt and anguish he has brought me and all the unbelievable anger and rage he still hurls at me. I didn't feel loneliness or emptiness. I felt like me, the really good, great me that still finds happiness, still has an amazing sense of humour, still is a good mother, daughter, sister, friend and yes, even lover. For the first time, I realized this can be the me all the time, even when dealing with, or seeing The Ex-Husband. I realized I didn't want to allow him to take any part of the really great me any longer. I no longer felt attached, just free.. just already gone.
The Ex failed to return my son's winter coat yesterday, on "his" morning with our children. I mean, it's winter. He knew he still had it. He knew he said he'd return it and he didn't. And when my son refused to wear his sister's other coat, (can't blame him for that) and refused to wear his dinosaur raincoat, (also, can't blame him there) well, I just plopped him in his car seat, and away I drove to retrieve the needed jacket.
Something in my intuition (and I do have crazy intuition when it does strike), told me my Ex would not be alone in his house. He only has the kids two nights a week, which leaves plenty of room for him to have "company", namely, I assume, The Girlfriend. So the thoughts that did run through my mind on the six-minute drive included waking them from a slumber, catching them eating breakfast, or maybe even seeing them walking down the front porch steps. Although, really. Would The Ex even be up? It was only 8:51 a.m. And realizing the early hour, I thought, well, if I must, I will have to call his house or cell phone first. Oh wait, scratch that. I had left my cell phone charging in the kitchen. You see, it really was an unplanned visit.
I parked on the street behind a school bus but practically right in front of The Exes house. I left my son in the car and literally raced up the front steps. The TV was on. I saw it clearly through the front window of the house. My heart raced a little. I rang the doorbell and then immediately peered in the front window. I saw a girl, though, whom she was, I was not entirely sure. She was sitting a little too close to a guy on the couch for it to be The Girlfriend. They stared blankly but also in surprise. The Ex literally jumped off the opposite couch, the one not facing the window.
It was that person that jumped up so startled, that changed things for me in mere moments.
The Ex was still in his robe (the same robe my mom had bought for him many Christmases ago). He looked drunk or badly hungover. He looked disheveled. He looked guilty and sheepish. Before opening the glass panelled front door (one can see in the house and front hall completely), he grabbed my son's jacket from the hook. He knew why I was there.
"I'm really sorry, Lisa," he stammered out, looking sad and as though he thought he had disappointed me.
I mumbled, "It's okay, bye."
I could hardly look at him but for reasons not like the ones I have had in the past. I was not angry, I was not irritated or annoyed. I was not jealous of him, his friends, The Girlfriend, (whether she was there or not), or his lifestyle or life in that house. For the first time I felt a mixture of sadness and pity for him. I didn't recognize this man. He wasn't the man I fell in love with years and years ago. This was someone I didn't really know anymore, didn't want to know anymore, and a man that was not part of my real life.
I walked immediately down the stairs without looking back.
I didn't know I had been waiting so long for my heart to release me from the grip of my pain. I didn't know a casual good-bye on his front porch, a good-bye so unlike the ending of Us almost exactly three years ago, could finally make things right for me. Not right for Us, but just for me.
So approaching my car, just steps away from my son in his car seat, I had my ah-ha moment, my light bulb flash, the turning shift in my soul. For the first time, I truly let him go. I didn't curse his existence or think ill of him and all the the hurt and anguish he has brought me and all the unbelievable anger and rage he still hurls at me. I didn't feel loneliness or emptiness. I felt like me, the really good, great me that still finds happiness, still has an amazing sense of humour, still is a good mother, daughter, sister, friend and yes, even lover. For the first time, I realized this can be the me all the time, even when dealing with, or seeing The Ex-Husband. I realized I didn't want to allow him to take any part of the really great me any longer. I no longer felt attached, just free.. just already gone.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Untitled
How do certain songs come on when you least expect it?
I'm driving home. It's that long, annoying drive. Long enough that you can enjoy a long stretch of highway in front of you for killing the pavement, but still, if you're a Torontonian, it's way too far out of the downtown core. I have to pay attention to signs. I have to be aware. Today, after the long meeting, I don't want to think. Yet it's also the drive that lends itself for listening to a lot of music. Many songs. Music that randomly fills your ears and makes you whisper, "awesome!" or "fuck."
Okay, so it's an eighties tune. Music that my sister lives for. Music that I'm very particular about. So why does Howard Jones' "No One Is To Blame" make me almost jerk the car forward to a crazy fast dead rolling stop on the Gardiner Expressway and yell my favourite four-letter obscenity?
"...doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain..."
It's every damn line. Why is it making sense about so many things? Am I just tired from the 3am bedtime of last night? Am I drained from driving 25 minutes to sign my life over for a house and a mortgage I've acquired solely in my name?
"...you can build a mansion but you just can't live in it....."
I feel panicked. I am on the verge of tears, but for what? This is crazy. I am going crazy. It's another check-off on the longest to-do list made in history, but I'm not happy. Have I won? At what cost? It's now my house and mine alone. The attractive banker has asked me twice if I work. Doesn't he remember my "situation"? The real estate lawyer asks if I owe any money to the Ex-Husband. What am I giving him for our house? (Um.....my life?)
"...you can feel the punishment but you can't commit the sin...."
I think of the positive and the steps forward. I forgive myself for things I think I have majorly screwed up. I procrastinate, this I know, but I have fullfilled more things than I thought possible in two years of turmoil. I have gained friends, I have lost friends. I have stopped making the story my world, or at least tried to. I have put myself out there and I have won love and I have lost love. Sometimes I am happy with the amount of love I have in my life.
"...the insecurity is the thing that won't get lost..."
I am trying to be that person books are written to. The little girl lost who has found her way. The girl turned woman who has recaptured life. She will not come undone!
"...it's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit..."
And finally I get home. I sit. I read. I write. I revise my tired looking to-do list.
"....no one ever is to blame..."
I'm driving home. It's that long, annoying drive. Long enough that you can enjoy a long stretch of highway in front of you for killing the pavement, but still, if you're a Torontonian, it's way too far out of the downtown core. I have to pay attention to signs. I have to be aware. Today, after the long meeting, I don't want to think. Yet it's also the drive that lends itself for listening to a lot of music. Many songs. Music that randomly fills your ears and makes you whisper, "awesome!" or "fuck."
Okay, so it's an eighties tune. Music that my sister lives for. Music that I'm very particular about. So why does Howard Jones' "No One Is To Blame" make me almost jerk the car forward to a crazy fast dead rolling stop on the Gardiner Expressway and yell my favourite four-letter obscenity?
"...doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain..."
It's every damn line. Why is it making sense about so many things? Am I just tired from the 3am bedtime of last night? Am I drained from driving 25 minutes to sign my life over for a house and a mortgage I've acquired solely in my name?
"...you can build a mansion but you just can't live in it....."
I feel panicked. I am on the verge of tears, but for what? This is crazy. I am going crazy. It's another check-off on the longest to-do list made in history, but I'm not happy. Have I won? At what cost? It's now my house and mine alone. The attractive banker has asked me twice if I work. Doesn't he remember my "situation"? The real estate lawyer asks if I owe any money to the Ex-Husband. What am I giving him for our house? (Um.....my life?)
"...you can feel the punishment but you can't commit the sin...."
I think of the positive and the steps forward. I forgive myself for things I think I have majorly screwed up. I procrastinate, this I know, but I have fullfilled more things than I thought possible in two years of turmoil. I have gained friends, I have lost friends. I have stopped making the story my world, or at least tried to. I have put myself out there and I have won love and I have lost love. Sometimes I am happy with the amount of love I have in my life.
"...the insecurity is the thing that won't get lost..."
I am trying to be that person books are written to. The little girl lost who has found her way. The girl turned woman who has recaptured life. She will not come undone!
"...it's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit..."
And finally I get home. I sit. I read. I write. I revise my tired looking to-do list.
"....no one ever is to blame..."
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